dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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