I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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