i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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