I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
