She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
