a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
