Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
