my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
