Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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