We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
