Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
