Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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