You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
