I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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