last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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