Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
