to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
