First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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