Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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