please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
