what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
