i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
are you so shy because you have an std?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
