I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
