I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
