I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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