I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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