I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
