threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
