I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
