Small penises have feelings too.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How does one acquire holy water?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
