If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
