He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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