my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
