you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
this is an emotional support booty call
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
