I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
