Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
