Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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