We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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