I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
