I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
