Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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