my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
