Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please come you make the beer taste better
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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