It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
