Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
