I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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