I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
