I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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