I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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