dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
