Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
