Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
