omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there's paper in my vomit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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