I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
