drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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