I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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