I feel great
I just peed on a car
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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